Refrigeration system is broken

The fire that is my love for you could not be contained. For years I had the "refrigeration system" working in my heart to keep me frozen and numb. The refrigeration system had to work hard every day to keep my heart cold. Sure, the system went down for brief times, that's to be expected when a "machine" has to work so hard, but was always "repaired" and put back into service. Then I made the mistake of reading all your old letters and my journals from our times together. That was more than the refrigeration system could take...it is totally broken down. No parts available to fix it this time. Fire is burning without containment.

God Help Me

God help me! Douglas Alan Barnette, I still love you!

Dear Lord Jesus

Please, can you make a way for Doug and I to be together again? My heart and soul miss him so badly. He is the missing part of me. I know you separated us for a reason. I've grown as I'm sure he has also. You've given me a good man and I should be content, but there is a restlessness in me that longs to be free to be with Doug again and feel a connection...he is the only one I can truly connect with. My heart is closed off to anyone else. Always has been. Why, Jesus, why? Help me to "deep freeze" that part of me again. This hurts so much. What does it mean that after 12+ years of being separated from him I can still need him so much? Does he ever miss me? Does he ever think about me? Does he still need me too? I wish I knew, but that is not for me to know right now. This is hard.

Name does not equal heart

I may have taken his name, but I never gave him my heart.

How can I give him something that belongs to you?

Silence is not golden

I cannot take the silence between us. I long to hear your voice.

You may never know...

how much I love you, still after all these years, it never goes away.

I need you so badly.

Part of Me

You are so much a part of me, I can't get you out of my heart.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QKIuzl193Zk

No Comfort

His embrace does not comfort me.

I need you.

Do these lyrics hit home or what?

Sister by Nixon

Here I am again,
Overwhelming feelings
A thousand miles away
From your ocean home
Part of me is near

Thoughts of what we were invade
The miles that stand between
We can't separate
Your all I hoped you'd become

Sister I see you
Dancing on the stage
Of memory
Sister I miss you

Fleeting visits pass
Still they satisfy
Reminders of the next
Overshadow goodbye
Our flames burn as one

Sister I see you
Dancing on the stage
Of memory
Sister I miss you

All I am begins with you
Thoughts of hope understood
Half of me breathes in you
Thoughts of love remain true

Here we are again saying goodbye
Still we fall asleep underneath the same sky
You're all I knew you'd become

Sister I see you
Dancing on the stage
Of memory
Sister I miss you

Entwined, you and I
Our souls speak from across the miles
Intertwined, you and I
Our blood flows from the same inside
Half of me, breathes in you
Thoughts of love remain true

I see you, I feel you
When I close my eyes
I see walking there...
I see you dancing in my mind

Even Now

Even Now
when there's someone else who cares
when there's someone home who's waiting just for me
even now I think about you as I'm climbing up the stairs
and I wonder what to do so she won't see
that even now
when I know it wasn't right
and I found a better life than what we had
even now I wakeup crying in the middle of the night
and I can't believe it still could hurt so bad

CHORUS:

even now when I have come so far
I wonder where you are
I wonder why it's still so hard without you
even now when I come shining through
I swear I think of you
and how I wish you knew
even now

even now
when I never hear your name
and the world has changed so much since you've been gone
even now I still remember and the feeling's still the same
and this pain inside of me goes on and on
even now

even now when I have come so far
I wonder where you are
I wonder why it's still so hard without you
even now when I come shining through
I swear I think of you
and God I wish you knew
some how
Even now

-Barry Manilow

I realized

I realized there is no getting through to the other side of pain, unless we are back together again.

I just live with it everyday.

Waking up

I often wake up in the middle of the night and you are on my mind instantly.

I wonder

"I wonder if I ever cross your mind, for me it happens all the time."

-Need You Now by Lady Antebellum

What are we going to do about forever?

I don't like what we're doing now.

Your Wildest Dreams

Once upon a time

Once when you were mine

I remember skies

Reflected in your eyes

I wonder where you are

I wonder if you

Think about me

Once upon a time

In your wildest dreams

Once the world was new

Our bodies felt the morning dew

That greets the brand new day

We couldn't tear ourselves away

I wonder if you care

I wonder if you still remember

Once upon a time

In your wildest dreams

And when the music plays

And when the words are

Touched with sorrow

When the music plays

I hear the sound

I had to follow

Once upon a time

Once beneath the stars

The universe was ours

Love was all we knew

And all I knew was you

I wonder if you know

I wonder if you think about it

Once upon a time

In your wildest dreams

And when the music plays

And when the words are

Touched with sorrow

When the music plays

And when the music plays

I hear the sound

I had to follow

Once upon a time

Once upon a time

Once when you were mine

I remember skies

Mirrored in your eyes

I wonder where you are

I wonder if you

Think about me

Once upon a time

In your wildest dreams

In your wildest dreams

In your wildest dreams

-Moody Blues