December 8, 1994

17 years ago: "I have a weird, special connection with you that I don't have with anyone else." - Doug

It's the same for me and has been for all these years.

I wish

I wish I was being held in your arms right now.

November Rain

14 years ago today we broke up. I miss you so much. You have never left my heart.

November Rain - Guns 'n Roses

When I look into your eyes
I can see a love restrained
But darling when I hold you
Don't you know I feel the same, yeah
Nothing lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it's hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain
We've been through this such a long long time
Just trying to kill the pain, Ooh yeah
But lovers always come and lovers always go
And no one's really sure who's letting go today
Walking away
If we could take the time to lay it on the line
I could rest my head
Just knowing that you were mine
All mine
So if you want to love me
then darling don't refrain
Or I'll just end up walking
In the cold November rain

Do you need some time...on your own
Do you need some time...all alone
Ooh, Everybody needs some time...on their own
Ooh, Don't you know you need some time...all alone
I know it's hard to keep an open heart
When even friends seem out to harm you
But if you could heal a broken heart
Wouldn't time be out to charm you

Sometimes I need some time...on my own
Sometimes I need some time...all alone
Ooh, Everybody needs some time...on their own
Ooh, Don't you know you need some time...all alone

And when your fears subside
And shadows still remain, Oh yeah
I know that you can love me
When there's no one left to blame
So never mind the darkness
We still can find a way
Nothing lasts forever
Even cold November rain

You're not the only one
You're not the only one

Don't ya think that you need somebody
Don't ya think that you need someone
Everybody needs somebody
You're not the only one
You're not the only one

Don't ya think that you need somebody
Don't ya think that you need someone
Everybody needs somebody
You're not the only one
You're not the only one

Don't ya think that you need somebody
Don't ya think that you need someone
Everybody needs somebody
You're not the only one
You're not the only one

Don't ya think that you need somebody
Don't ya think that you need someone
Everybody needs somebody

I long for you.

Time does not heal all wounds.

I miss you.

When we broke up, the anger and unforgiveness is what let me get so far from you. That is not what I wanted. That deep part of my heart that is yours is so fiercely guarded and has always loved you. No one can get in and I don't want them to, that place is yours. You were the one who discovered it, I never new that place in my heart existed before you. Being with him is easy/safe because I know he does not have the power to hurt me, he can't touch that deep part of me.

The anger is gone and I have truly forgiven you with Jesus' help. All that is left is the love that never died.

The pain of being without you is awful. The void can only be filled by you.

Today is your birthday.

37!! Time passes by quickly. It should be me there with you today. Wherever you are, whatever you do, I wish you happiness. I love you.

It never goes away

"However far away I will always love you "

-The Cure "Love Song"

I hope you are okay.

I hope you don't know that I called to hear your voicemail outgoing message. It was selfish of me to do that. I don't want you to feel any pain.

I called your new home number

I knew you would be at school. I just wanted to hear your voice mail message and hopefully hear your voice. I did hear your voice and it was amazing. I miss you so much. I hope you don't have caller ID and see that it was an MU number. Did I just open a big can of worms? I just wanted to hear your voice, it's been 10 years since I've talked to you. 10 years. 10 long years. It should have never turned out this way.

You

"Something always brings me back to you

It never takes too long

No matter what I say or do

I still feel you here"

"You hold me without touch

You keep me without chains

I never wanted anything so much"

-from "Gravity" by Sara Bareilles

More than TML

Think - Obsess

Miss - Ache

Love - there is no word for more than love, but that's what I feel for you.

My safety net has become a trap.

This is so hard

I long to see Doug again and hear his voice. I long to connect with him the way only he and I can connect. Why, God, is the waiting so hard? I know I have to trust you, Lord, that you have me where you want me to be now, but it is so hard. Why do I have to go through this? I can only hope that the separation from him is for both of our good. May it lead to his salvation through you, Lord. Comfort him when he needs comfort, and help him to sense your presence. If I can't see him here on earth, please, please, Lord, let us be together in Heaven with you.

My life may have moved on, but my heart never did.

I've learned to live half alive

Life is not complete without you.

I ache for you.

T

M

L